Homo-erotic cartoons of my youth.

Lets come right out and call a spade a spade, or in this point, a children’s cartoon with undeniable homosexual overtones, a children’s cartoon with undeniable homosexual overtones. Now I know what you are probably thinking, what kind of person am I to read that much into children’s cartoons, I must be a homophobe on a witch hunt. Nay, quite the opposite I assure you. It isn’t that I am fearful of or trying to point a judgmental finger at these cartoons or their creators, I just find it funny.

First and foremost is one of my most beloved childhood memories, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. I should clarify I am talking about the original series…not any of the later ones that were openly gay and mostly featured He- Man and Skeletor ass raping each other.In 1982 Mattel had an extremely high selling action figure line called “The Masters of the Universe”. Part of what made the line sell so well was a series of advertisements animated by Filmation. To try and increase their already large profit margin Mattel came to Filmation and asked them to create a 65 episode series. All they were looking for was a way to sell toys, but due to the combination of elements including ahead of their time animators, visionary animation directors and animation writers that were all young and looking to prove themselves, Mattel unleashed what would become one of the all time classic cartoons. All of this combined with amazing voice actors and a legion of hard core child fans with big mouths and parents and parents with money to shut them up lead to a total of 130 episodes.

So where did it all get gay? I am going to say as soon as pencil was put to paper. I really don’t believe this was a mistake, someone somewhere intended this to be a metaphore for homosexuality. In the early 80′s “bein one a dem gays” was still very taboo, and AIDS was just starting to become a major world scare, and it of course was all blamed on homosexual activity. Let’s break it down. The title character of the series is He-Man. That should say enough in itself, but lets move on. His alter ego was one Prince Adam of Eternia. His father was the powerful King Randor who sat on the thrown in Royal Palace. So…he is a powerful man at the head of his organization. Parallel that to the early 80′s and you have a father that is an executive at a major company. Prince Adam always seems awkward, shy and out of place…probably because he is afraid to come out of the closet to his father.

Any time trouble arises Prince Adam wields his mighty, if not phallic looking, sword and chants “By the Power of Greyskull” and transforms into He- Man. Then he points at his cowardly cat Cringer, who has no backbone at all and turns him into the ferocious Battle Cat. Let’s break this series of events down. First the chant, “By the Power of Greyskull” everyone has heard that before, but have you really thought about it? Grayskull was a legendary location situated in a barren wilderness. It was the base of operations for the Masters of the Universe and its origins were unknown except for the fact that it was constructed to protect an unspecified source of power from those who would misuse it. So basically Greyskull was a place that was isolated from the world except from those whom He-Man felt were like him and understood him and it was a place of protection and safety. Like a gay night club or the proverbial “closet”. Then because of his strength to “come out” and defend his beliefs Cringer is also able to transform.

Feel free to continue on adventures with He-Man on friends here.

The Smurfs . Everyone tries to convince me that the Smurfs are queer because there is only one woman amongst them. I never really thought that. Smurfette was probably a dirty dirty slut, and Vanity was undoubtedly a queen, but for the most part if the other Smurfs were swinging each other’s beef hammers, it was probably more like a prison situation. They do it out of necessity. Prison sex isn’t what this article is about. Besides, I am fairly certain the Smurfs were commies.

Yogi Bear . Yogi Bear and Booboo DEFINE non flaming gay stereo types. The are well dressed, their home is always neat, they are “single” they live together and refer to each other as buddy. Not to mention they sleep in the same bed playing grabass all night. I used to think that Ranger Smith represented non gay America and was out to stop them from living in sin, but as I look back on it now, he was probably a repressed self hating homosexual that just wanted acceptance.

Bugs Bunny. I know I am going to take a lot of shit for this one, but Bugs was a fag. Sure, you can say he was a play boy (get it, a Playboy Bunny), and that was why he lived alone, but answer me this. Why is it the only time Bugs has anything to do with a female it is always in adventures. In any of the “Behind the Scenes” style cartoons there was never a female bunny featured around him, nor was there even a hint one lived in the house or even visited on occasion. What you did see was bugs dressed like a queen and shuffling around pften times with a limp wrist.

You need something more obvious? Fine! Look at the fact that Bugs routinely dressed in drag, he often acted as a hair dresser, manicurist, or other salon personal while speaking with a stereotypical gay “accent”, he eats carrots as if sucking a dick and on more than many occasions kissed a man and looked comfortable doing it. To top it all off, think of his trademarked catch phrase, “Ehh..What’s Up Doc?” You can easily replace that with “Ehh, I want cock” and it seems to fit all the situations he gets himself into.

Captain Planet. I don’t really think all of the planeteers were gay, I had my worries about the black kid, but who didn’t. The captain himself is counted out of the rainbow army due to his sporty mullet, but there was that one kid… Now the cast of supporting characters was lame to begin with. It was 1990 so of course it had to be “diverse”. The Planeteers were:

Kwame aka black dude with the power of earth

Wheeler aka California white kid with the power of fire

Linka aka the hot European chick with the power of wind. (She was from the Soviet Union at a time when everyone still feared the reds…how diverse.)

G i aka Miss Swan. An Oriental, yes I said Oriental instead of Asian because I don’t give a fuck, chick with the power of water.

Ma-Ti aka Latin dude with the power of heart.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet the one I am guessing has a large supply of Astroglide is Ma-Ti. I say this not just because he is Latin and I hear all queers with a Latin accent in my head, but because he truly is queer amongst the group, he doesn’t fit. Sure he fits into their U.N. philosophy of everyone is represented, but his power doesn’t fit. Earth, air, water, fire…these are all elements that have been related to nature and therefore the planet and thus Captain Planet since the beginning of time, but heart? I don’t think so. Mother Nature doesn’t have a heart…watch any nature video where the cute baby animal gets devoured in a hellacious blood bath.

No my friends the power of “heart” signifies love and acceptance. Acceptance of things that are queer…people that are queer…THAT LATINO KID TOOK IT IN THE MOUTH GOD DAMNIT!!!

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